Federal Fashion Faux Paux

So I was reading Going Out Gurus yesterday on the Washington Postonline page and I was shocked,shocked to see this question posed to the gurus-

Blue Line watcher: Where does DC rate on the best dressed list in the country? Does it rate? Let's start off by saying that I'm not fashion queen or trend setter, I like comfort and looks, however I noticed yesterday how unflattering the women of the area dress for work. Maybe it's their jobs, but I see women who you know could be pretty, but their clothes just aren't happening. And my hairstylist from home (Philly) told me no good haircut has come out of this area.. I'm starting to believe her. Maybe it was a full moon, or a bad Metro car.. but really?

Oh my God.

First of all, this person based their fashion opinion of the entire DC metro on one car of the Blue Line. Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous.

However, even more ridiculous than that is the fact that person is trying to say that Philly is in some way fashion and style superior to DC. Um, are we talking about the same Philly here? Philadelphia, PENNSYLVANIA? Surely you can't be talking about the crumbling city 2.5 hours to the north of DC, because honey I go to Philly 2x a month, and you will never hear me say, "Oh WOW, I get to go to Philly this week, the bastion of all that is fashionable and stylish!!!!!" Nope, usually it is more like, "Dammit. I have to go to Philly again."

Now hold up, before you can say King of Prussia Mall to me, let me admit that KOP is the most awesome mall ever. I had my virgin experience with Nordstrom's there and you never forget your first time. But you know what? Your average Philly dweller does not shop at KOP. I'm intimately acquainted with an average Philly dweller and he would much rather shop at Big K than go to KOP. Yeah that's right, I said Big K. Big freaking K. The fact that Philly even has a Big K still is a testament to its suckiness. Yeah there is a Big K near DC in Annandale, but I dare you to try and find Annandale. Seriously, you'll get lost and realize you didn't really want to go to Big K in the first place.

I'd describe the overall fashion (god, if you can even call it that) of Philly in two categories.

First, you have your crack addict-chic (CAC), which is found, most notably, in the inner city. This look is characterized by pairing an old and stained t-shirt with a pair of loose fitting shorts or dirty jeans. The CAC outfit is beautifully topped off with one or two missing front teeth. A CAC follower wears no accessories as they've all been hocked to pay for crack. And, if the CAC has any hair at all, a CAC takes a devil-may-care attiude with regards to hair styling. I mean why buy a brush at CVS when you can buy more crack!

Second, you have the Pennsylvania Trash Look (PTL). PTL is a very versitile look which can be sported by both men and women. First, you have a dirty old stained t-shirt. This t-shirt usually sports a patriotic or right wing theme. T-shirts that say "I *heart* NRA/GWB/RNC" or something with a flag or a yellow ribbon are all good choices. In the unfortunate event that a patriotic t-shirt cannot be found, an old t-shirt that was a comp from an Atlantic City casino will be a good substitution. For women, rayon/nylon/polyester leggings are required atire for this outfit. Any color will do, floral prints are even better. For men, some old dirty jeans will suffice. The accessories for this outfit include a plastic pleather purse from Big K for the women, a Timex cloth band watch for the men and a soft pack of Marlboro Reds for both.

I'm going up to Pennsylvania this weekend (driving in the slow lane on 76, while being passed at approximately 150 mph by Philly drivers who are driving with their left hands only on the wheel so they can smoke their crack pipe with their right hands) so I'll get to see lots of examples of these great fashion looks that are so superior to anything you'll find here in DC.


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January 24, 2013 at 6:07 AM  

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